Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Knocking Through To The Back Parlour

So currently, I’m all about the painkillers and the Dame Shirley Bassey remix album. I didn't want to be a gay cliche, it just sort of happened. I got some white pills that fizz on my tongue, and some pink ones that go well with my pyjamas, and some turquoise ones that make me drowsy and when I take them I they’re a bit like a K-hole, and I come round discovering I’d been looking at clips of ‘Suddenly Susan’ on YouTube for two hours.

There is a reason, other than reading ‘Valley of the Dolls’ and thinking ‘Hey, I could totally rock that rustic-look Lawrenceville mansion of Anne’s’ - I’ve just had my wisdom teeth out. To be honest they’ve been annoying me for years, but I’ve only just had the time to get them sorted. And this isn’t the first time I’ve had a doctor poking around down the back of my throat (stop leaping ahead to your own punchlines) as I’ve already had my tonsils out too. It’s almost as if I’m making room for something back there, though I can’t think what. Of course, having friends who are as gay as tinsel, every time I mentioned I was going to be in intense pain for a week, every single one of them said “Still! No eating for a week! Oh, I envy you doing that just before Christmas...” and they would trail off before looking wistfully at a mince pie. And it is true - I’ve lost about half a stone simply by having a mouth the size and shape of the slot Princess Leah uses to put the stolen rebel plans into R2-D2.

Oh how I miss food! I would happily murder someone for a bag of crisps. And I can't WAIT to get better to see Burlesque. And by 'better' I mean 'off the drugs so I can turn it into a drinking game in the cinema’.

2 comments:

Ellie said...

You can have milkshakes!

(But careful: I had a chocolate chocolate chip milkshake, unaware that the bits of chip would cause some consternation).

J. Corbett Holmes said...

...Yes the infusion of pills and the absence of crisps may seem like the train to Lawrenceville has been derailed. But consider tomorrow..the mouth, your mouth, shall, once again, allow you to sparkle like an ingĂ©nue….as long as you avoid the bathroom stalls.
I adore your musings…mend quickly…
Happy New Year…
Yours,
Helen Lawson